The media paints the picture of the holidays being a joyous time full of family, friends, food, and fun, but that’s not the case for everyone. The holidays can be a difficult time for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. And for grieving individuals, this year may feel especially difficult because of the added layer that the pandemic has added.
If you’re trying to navigate this holiday season filled with grief and sadness, this article is written with you in mind. If you have a friend or family member who is grieving this year, you can learn tips to help support them and care for them during the holidays.
The unexpected challenges grief brings during the holiday season
Grief is nonlinear. It doesn’t follow a set path and there are many things that can trigger it again. The holidays tend to be a common trigger of grief for people. It’s a time that tends to seem extra special which can bring up a lot of emotions and memories of the loved one we’re missing.
Holiday traditions can be difficult reminders of how much you miss your loved ones. You may feel like you’re doing ok and then remember that you used to hear Grandpa pray over every Thanksgiving meal and be reminded of what you’re missing because he is not there anymore.
Other unexpected challenges of the holidays include when new traditions are formed or new people enter the family. This could be through marriage or the arrival of a new baby. It can be upsetting and triggering that your lost loved one doesn’t get to be part of forming those new memories.
How to process survivor’s guilt
In addition to grief, you may be experiencing survivor’s guilt. This is a difficult form of grief that people can experience when they survive a situation that others did not. A few examples that we’re experiencing first hand right now are through those surviving Covid along with those surviving the tornado damage that came through the state recently.
Some survivors struggle to make sense of why they survived and the other person didn’t. They may feel unworthy to have survived or guilty because they did. This can make it difficult to enjoy experiencing things like the holidays.
If you’re feeling survivor’s guilt, I encourage you to focus on the qualities and characteristics that your loved one lived by. Focus on living in a way that honors their memory. For example, if the person who has passed away loved going to watch Christmas lights, try to go look at the Christmas lights and remember them.
Tips for grieving through the holidays
The pandemic has added a difficult layer to the holidays this year. There is a general sense of grief from the pandemic in addition to those who are grieving the loss of loved ones from their lives. Even those who haven’t experienced the death of someone have experienced lost time with their loved ones due to Covid-19. And that means those of us who lost someone didn’t just lose them, we lost time and missed out on the opportunity to build memories with them because of the pandemic.
It’s another layer of grief that we must process and navigate as we heal.
Make space for your grief
There is a lot going on externally in the world right now and internally within each of us. It’s important that we learn how to hold space for our grief and what we’re experiencing emotionally.
Practice sitting with your feelings and allowing yourself to feel them. When you attend therapy sessions, your therapist will “hold space” for you. That simply means they create a place where you are free to share your thoughts, feelings, and emotions without judgment.
You can learn to do that for yourself on a level as well. Practicing mindfulness is allowing yourself to experience the feelings and emotions you’re having without judging them yourself. You simply allow yourself to express yourself and feel your feelings.
This can be difficult to do for yourself if you’ve never done it before. Working with a licensed therapist can help you learn strategies like this that you can use to process your grief.
Practice self-care
Self-care activities include the things we do that care for ourselves physically and emotionally. It’s become a trendy topic since the pandemic began, but it’s not just about taking a bubble bath and doing these fun things that you may see shared on social media.
Practicing self-care when you’re grieving is taking care of your emotional self. You’re allowing yourself to feel your feelings. This can also include things like having a good conversation with empathetic friends who are holding space for your feelings as well.
Self-care can also be caring for yourself spiritually. This can look different for different people. It can be getting out in nature, meditating, journaling, or going to church. They’re all forms of self-care and activities that can help you as you grieve the loss of your loved one.
Rethink traditions
This is another area that can look different for each person. You may want to continue doing your old traditions to honor your loved one as I shared earlier. But don’t feel pressure to have to observe all the traditions you used to. It’s OK to pause or stop a tradition if you need to.
You may also want to be intentional about creating some new traditions. Keep in mind that your loved one would want you to enjoy the holiday season.
Keep children in mind
Children thrive with consistency which can feel thrown out the window when a loved one passes away. It can be difficult when navigating your own grief, but keep in mind that finding a way to celebrate the holiday, even if it looks different, can be a helpful part of the process for grieving children.
If you’re the parent or guardian of a grieving child it may be helpful to have them speak to a therapist who specializes in working with children or have specializations such as play therapy.
How to support someone who is grieving through the holidays
It’s all about having empathy when supporting someone who is grieving.
Empathy is truly being present with that person in their grief. It’s a hard spot to be in because we tend to want quick solutions. When someone has lost a loved one we want to be able to do something to make it better for them.
That leads people to say things like, “It’s okay, they’re in a better place.” or “At least they’re not in pain anymore.” While those statements are meant well, they can be harmful to the person grieving.
Empathy is when we sit with them in their darkness and instead of offering statements like that to try to make it better, we simply say “I don’t know what to do, but I’m here for you.”
Remember those who have lost someone before
The holidays are a unique time for those who have lost a loved one. It’s normal for us to move past the death of a person faster when we’re not the ones personally impacted by the loss. However, it’s not the same for the grieving individual. The holidays can be triggering so it’s important to remember people who may be grieving this time of year even if their loss isn’t recent. They may be brought right back to the beginning of their grief during this time of year.
It can also be difficult for them as we prepare to enter a new year. It will be their first year without their loved one which can be difficult to process and accept.
If you have a friend or know someone who has experienced a loss this year, check on them. You can share a favorite memory that you have of the person and their loved one. You can also simply reach out and let them know you understand the holidays can be difficult and you want them to know that you’re there for them.
Blessing for the Brokenhearted
There is an author named Jan Richardson who wrote The Cure for Sorrow: A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief. She unexpectedly lost her husband and this book holds poems she wrote while grieving. There is one that I would like to share with you:
Blessing for the Brokenhearted
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
—Henry David Thoreau
Let us agree
for now
that we will not say
the breaking
makes us stronger
or that it is better
to have this pain
than to have done
without this love.
Let us promise
we will not
tell ourselves
time will heal
the wound,
when every day
our waking
opens it anew.
Perhaps for now
it can be enough
to simply marvel
at the mystery
of how a heart
so broken
can go on beating,
as if it were made
for precisely this—
as if it knows
the only cure for love
is more of it,
as if it sees
the heart’s sole remedy
for breaking
is to love still,
as if it trusts
that its own
persistent pulse
is the rhythm
of a blessing
we cannot
begin to fathom
but will save us
nonetheless.
Ask for help if you’re struggling
Grief can be complicated and feel overwhelming at times. If you’re struggling with navigating through your grief in a healthy way, I encourage you to reach out for help. If you have a good support system in your family or friends, let them know that you’re struggling. There are also support groups you can join for grieving individuals both in-person or virtually.
You may also benefit from talking to a therapist who can support you and teach you effective strategies for managing your grief in a healthy way. Best Life Mental Health Services can help match you with a therapist that is right for your unique situation. You can request an appointment today.
